Lost in Fantasy

rockwell_mirror

I have always been the daydreamer…..  Ever since, I was small, I would wander off into another realm, with a forlorn look in my eyes, thinking of the world I wanted to create and the one I wanted to live in.  I was a shy child, although I had many friends, little girls and boys alike, that would compete for my attention, but I always stayed true to my fantasies.  I was always reading, getting lost in my novels.  I was often deeply saddened about the world around me and told myself that when I got older, I would create beauty and kindness around me.  Make the world a better place. I couldn’t live any other way.

I have always loved to observe others as well, to let go of my own ego, and to just observe the motivations of others, their public and private faces, what moves their world.  To stop and just really, really watch them closely.  I find others fascinating and draw most of my inspiration from them.  I have learned the most from listening.

One of my Tetkas (aunt in Serbo-Croatian) gave me a framed print of this Norman Rockwell painting when I graduated from high school.  Not only does it look like me as a child, but it also captures my essence.  I always had an innocent soul, but dreamed of large things, always had big expectations for myself (many have told me I am immensely hard on myself).  I have never cared much whether people liked me or not, meaning I never strove for normalcy, I wanted to be different and sometimes have been misunderstood for this.  People have thought me to be snobby or shy, mysterious and aloof at times especially when I was lost in my head.  I always took these as compliments, I never wanted to be easily understood.  It isn’t my way, to be false. But often people tell me that I am kind and sincere, and this is a wonderful way to be true to oneself, and the essence of childhood, as long as your are not abolishing your ideals.  Stay true to yourself.

I try to live instinctively. And I guess I’ve always enjoyed living in a fantasy world, daydreaming.
James Duval

Courtesy of Norman Rockwell, A Year Without Mirrors

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